Lay it Down by Bill Tell

Helping you find freedom by laying down performance-driven Christianity. There is a place for you here. Welcome.

A 2nd Breeding Ground of Stress- Usurping Control

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Stress – what if it is not “out there” in the circumstances of life, but it’s “in here,” in me? If that is true, then the solution to my stress is not trying to control or even change what are often unchangeable circumstances.  Control freaks are seldom relaxed. Probably never. There is always one more thing that will need to be controlled in order to feel in charge and safe.

When I feel stressed out by not being able to control the chaos I perceive around me, I find I have forgotten two things (and more):

  • It is not my job to control the circumstances of life that surround me. Should I act responsibly and wisely? Of course.  Should I be a good steward of the resources I have to do good in the midst of suffering and evil? Absolutely. Am I responsible for a changed outcome? Not so much. Actually, maybe not at all! Here are two verses I often go back to when I forget and feel the stress of ownership for outcomes.

“The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord.” (Proverbs21:31). This helps me separate my part from God’s part. I get the horse ready. I do it well. Responsibly. But the outcome is not dependent on me, it belongs to the Lord.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand” (Proverbs 19:21). This reminds me I have to hold my plans, my desired outcomes, in an open hand. No closed fists allowed.

  • I forget how close the Controller of all things is to me. Here are my go-to reminders that help de-stress me:

“The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything” (Philippians 4:5,6).

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him…” (Psalm 34:7).

“…for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).

And then there are so many things I forget about the Master Controller. He is trustworthy. Gentle…He knows my limits. He is a source of stability…a rock I can stand on. He is my protector…my refuge.  When I am stressed, my list grows long.

YOUR TURN: What are you trying to control that is stressing you? What would it help you to remember? Are there things you need to let go of and trust the one who is trustworthy?

BE A FRIEND: You and I are surrounded by friends who are stressed out. Stressed out because they are looking for solutions to stress in all the wrong places…not aware that we are filled with inner breeding grounds where stress can rear it’s ugly head. Pass this blog along and help expose them or remind them of the One who is really in control – for our good. Lets spread the good news.

My #1 Inner Breeding Ground of Stress

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Time to get serious. And personal about my stress. A primary breeding ground of long term stress in my life has been in the core lies I have believed. Because I allowed the core lies to go unchecked with truth for so many years, stress became a  constant companion. So constant that I was used to it. It was normal. Just life. Oh there were definite and strong spikes but then it would subside. It was like living with a constant low-grade fever. Livable but unhealthy. And ultimately dangerous.

My core lie was that I did not have much inherent value and so my worth was dependent on what others thought of me. I tell the story of how this lie was planted in me as a child in my book Lay it Down – Living in the Freedom of the Gospel. Let me encourage you to read it as it is critical we understand how lies are planted in us, become our unseen master and then how to be freed from them. You can get a copy at NavPress, Amazon, and any other book distributor…and it is a five star book on Amazon!

Believing that my worth was in what you and others thought of me grew me into an addicted people-pleaser. Believing my worth was is in how others perceived me was:

  • Frightening. Having my worth in what others thought of me was extremely scary. What if they discovered the real me? What if they saw behind the mask I wore to make sure they were pleased? I would be found out. Rejected. And when your worth is dependent upon others accepting approval, rejection is painful. It triggers your shame that you really are no good. That there is something wrong with you.
  • Exhausting. I always had to be on my guard, making sure they never saw the real me. I was always trying to figure out what would be acceptable and pleasing to them. Was I making the right decisions? Using my time correctly? Spending my money properly? Dressed right? Attending the expected events? There was no end to the list.
  • Enslaving. Always having to be “right” is not only exhausting, it is enslaving. You can never be you. A lie is always determining your actions. You are not free.
  • Addictive. You live in captivity for so long it becomes your only reality. Your only “safe” place. You have become addicted to pretending. To pleasing. To wearing a mask. You are not only enslaved, you are trapped.

As I share in Lay it Down, this eventually lead me into burnout and depression. Serious burnout and deep, dark depression. So much so that it required a year of sick leave to recover.

What was the key to eliminating the stress of being a people-pleaser? It was this – replacing the lie with truth!

Here is the truth that replaced the lie for me – I John 3:1, “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God! And that is what we are!” My worth is not in what you think of me but in being the beloved child of the Father. Finally I found freedom from the fear, the exhaustion, the slavery and the addiction of people pleasing. The shackles came off. Do I hear the former chains rattling behind me some days? You bet! But do the rattles have to control me? No – they are just rattles reminding me I have an enemy that loves to whisper lies in my ear. And they are a reminder I need to trust the truth.

In my freedom of not caring what you think, do I become disrespectful? Disobedient? Out of control?  No I don’t. Why? Because as I immerse myself in this great love of the Father for me, it stirs in me a desire to love Him back…and I want to love who he loves and what he loves. In the freedom the gospel gives me I mature.

 

YOUR TURN:  All of us have one, two, maybe three core lies that we need the truth to set us free from. Let me suggest you spend some time…perhaps extended times…asking God to reveal to you the core lie that continually creates stress in you. Stress that has been so continual you think it is normal. Once you can articulate the lie, you can ask God for the truth you need to believe that will bring freedom; the truth you need to come back to every time you hear the lies rattling behind you.

NEXT WEEK: I’m going to share another of my inner breeding grounds of stress.

ONE MORE THING: Stress is epidemic. Not only do you need freedom from it, so do your friends. Do them a favor and forward this blog to them. Then after a few days, connect with them and see what they thought. You could even share what your are discovering about your core lies! Whoa – what might they think of you?

 

 

 

My Inner Breeding Grounds of Stress – A Well versus a Pipe.

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My inner breeding grounds of stress. I was going to share my most toxic and infectious one this week. But now that will be next week. Here’s why. As I pondered all the bubbling mud pots in my life that exhale the debilitating stench of stress I realized something. Something very important to the personal processing of my stress. And to your processing of your stress. They all have something in common. Lies! They are all the result of believing a lie.

So a relatively short post this week, because there are two extremely important things for you to do. Two intertwined exercises that will change this series of blog posts from interesting information into what I desire would be a healing process for you.

First a word about lies. It is important to differentiate the various channels and conduits that transmit lies to us from the source of the lies. Lies come to me in an almost infinite number of ways. Advertisements deceive me into believing a thing can bring me fulfillment. Or protection. Parents pass on lies they believe…often untruths about you. Educators teach the lies they want you to believe. And so I absorb lies from television, radio, music, billboards, news reports, friends, school, university, and on the list goes.

But we need to go deeper than simply recognizing the channels by which lies are transmitted. We must understand the ultimate source of the untruths that breed stressful responses in us. Jesus goes right to the source and lays it out clearly for us in John 8:44, “…the devil…he is a liar and the father of lies.” When we battle the internal lies and untruths that want to stress us out, could it be that we are engaged in spiritual warfare? Might Ephesians 6:12 describe this battle, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against…the spiritual forces of evil“?

When I understand the source of the lies that bombard me from every direction, and the source of the few that are so deeply implanted in me, it helps me know where to go for the truth. Jesus says,”I am…the truth” (John 14:6). That is where I need to go…to Jesus. And when I go to him, I find more than just the truth, I find freedom. Freedom from the lies that have harassed me. “And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32)

Now you know the process I use when I feel stressed out. First I try to discover the lie that I am believing. It might be something like, “what you think of me determines my value.” Then I go to Jesus for the truth. He tells me that my value is not in what you think of me, but in being the beloved child of God.” Ah – relax. You do not change my worth.

So here is something you could do this week that would be of extreme value. Pick a situation that seems to repeatedly stress you out. What are you believing about it and you that stresses you out? Unless you are bluntly honest, you will not find the appropriate truth in Jesus that will set you free. Write down what you think the lie might be. Then write what the truth really is. Don’t forget to ask God. And don’t be afraid to share your suspected lie with a few trusted others who know how to go to the truth of God’s word and ask them for help.

Next week, I promise, I will share with you what I believe has been my most fundamental core lie that held me captive and led me down the road to incredible anxiety, then to burnout and depression.

Remember: To keep these posts short, I periodically send additional material to “subscribers.” If you have not already entered your email and first name above, take a minute to submit it and I will send you the symptoms of stress and the difference between stress, anxiety, burnout, and depression. You will find this helpful.