Archives for September 2016

Is Shame Ever Healthy?

My concise summary:

No!

My concise explanation:

There is a difference between something being healthy and good and something possessing the potential of being motivating and in a sense, “helpful.” We need to be careful not to confuse good with motivating. Evil can motivate. That does not make evil good. Let me explain.

Shame entered the world and our individual lives back in the garden (Genesis 3). When Adam and Eve sinned they experienced two new feelings – guilt and shame. Now feelings can be messy. They don’t have clean edges and often overlap…sometimes one birthing another. But just because they can be muddled doesn’t rob each of their uniqueness. Guilt is I have done something wrong. Shame is there is something wrong with me that I don’t want others to see. And so I hide it. I sew fig leaves that are way too small.

Guilt is a gift from God. It immediately tells us that we have done something unaligned with what the character of God in us would have us do. The goal is repentance and trust. Shame on the other hand, is not doing something wrong, but believing a lie about ourselves…often the result of unresolved guilt. I am just the kind of person who does such things…or who others see no value in and use to meet their sick needs. I’m dirty. Broken beyond repair. Undeserving. As Lewis Smedes writes, it is lugging “around inside of me a dead weight of not-good-enoughness.”

Some psychologists teach that if we feel shame it is because we are healthy enough to recognize it…and therefore it protects us…and it is good for us. Not so fast. Shame is believing a lie about yourself. Believing untruth is sin. Jesus took both our guilt and shame to the cross so that we could have an identity as God’s beloved children. That’s the truth. That is who we are. To believe shame is good or health is to deny the work of Jesus on the cross.

An Example.

I have an unknown tumor that is causing me great pain and so I visit my doctor. After a litany of tests, I am informed that I have a tumor, but it has been caught early and is treatable. It stimulates action and treatment. Just because the tumor triggered action does not make the tumor good. It does not make it healthy. I have never heard a cancerous tumor described as, “that is a really good tumor. That’s the healthiest tumor I have ever seen. Congratulations.”  No. A tumor is never good.

The same with my dentist. He has never told me, “Wow – that is a really good toothache.”

And so with shame. It is not good and never is. Living with it is not healthy. It tells me untruth and makes me sicker. However, when I finally discover there is no human solution to dealing with this dead weight of shame – I can be motivated to turn to the one action than can deal with the pain…and that is trusting that God deals with our shame by the cross of Christ. I don’t have to live with that dead weight of “not-good-enoughness.” While shame is not good or healthy, there is good news and health in the gospel.

For Your Pondering: 

Romans 7:24 – 8:1

 

 

 

 

 

It is September 1. And it is Thursday. Added together this means my August blog sabbatical is over. It has been wonderful. Lot’s of time in green pastures and beside still waters – allowing Him to restore my soul. My body is rested, my soul fed, and my journal is full. Thank you.

Here is the first post of our new season.

 

Embarrassed, Ashamed, or the Voice of Shame?

Three somewhat similar words. Three very different experiences. Three critically different responses. How so?

Embarrassment.

I am embarrassed when I do some surprisingly inappropriate. Not right, not wrong – just really bad timing and incredibly awkward…like knocking over my water goblet at an elegant dinner…or burping during silent prayer at church.

I was the guest pastor on the platform along with the worship leader and the assistant pastor – all sitting facing the congregation and waiting for the service to begin. It was at that horrible moment I noticed the zipper on my pants was down. I could measure my embarrassment by the redness I felt washing over my face. I will let you guess the rest of the story.

Then there was the time I was speaking at a large student conference. I meant to refer to Elizabeth Elliot – the great missionary to the Auca Indians of Ecuador who had previously murdered her husband. I was on a roll…heading for the climax of the message…when out of my mouth, instead of Elizabeth Elliot comes Elizabeth Taylor! Pandemonium broke out for the next five minutes! I am still embarrassed.

So what is our response to embarrassment? It is easy. Just join the human race. You have as much fun as your friends are having at your expense.

Ashamed.

I am ashamed when in my foolishness I do something that is out of character and inconsistent with my identity as a follower of Jesus. I lie, I demean a friend, I break a trust, allow my eyes to wander, explode with anger.

I had heard (second handedly) that one of my staff said something quite critical of me…and in my estimation wrong. My anger was triggered. There was no way I was going to allow such behavior on my team. I jumped in my car, pounded unannounced on their front door, then sat in their living room and let them experience all my anger. And there was a lot of it.

Back home, I knew I deeply blew it. How I had acted was not Christ in me. I sinned. I was ashamed of what I did. I felt ashamed and guilty because my behavior was inconsistent with the new heart and nature God had implanted in me.

How do we respond to being ashamed? To the guilt of our sin? We ask forgiveness. First of God because no matter what we have done we have sinned against Him. Secondly, if our behavior has wounded or betrayed someone (and I think it always does no matter how hidden we keep it) we ask for their forgiveness. But not just forgiveness for what we did, but for what it did to them.

The Voice of Shame

The voice of shame tells me because I did something bad or evil that I am ashamed of, that I am a bad person. An evil person. I am a phony, unworthy, undeserving. The voice of shame condemns me with a false and fatal equation, “I did, therefore I am.” It tells me my behavior creates my identity.

How do I respond when I hear this voice? I go to the gospel and give thanks. The gospel tells me my behavior no longer creates my identity. Rather – the behavior of Christ is given to me and creates my identity. This is the truth about me – not the lies of condemnation. For me, I need to run, not walk, to Romans 8:1, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

When I hear the voice of shame I need to name it for what it is – a lie. And then give thanks for what Jesus has done for me.