Last week I looked at a dangerous inner breeding ground of stress. It is one that’s a toxic swamp and sends out life-sucking tentacles that envelop us and hold us captive. It is a place we go very deliberately. It is the place we go to hide and mask what is true about us. The result is always stress. Damaging stress.

This week I want to take you to another inner breeding ground of stress, but it is one I don’t go to quite so defiantly and deliberately…it is one that gradually over time sneaks up on me. What is it?  The big category would be not living out of my values. Sometimes that can be a very intentional and deliberate violation. But today’s breeding ground is a more subtle – and that is ignoring what I have discovered and value as restorative to me. When I have ignored this long enough, I find myself depleted and empty. Stressed by the smallest of circumstances. Burned out.

Do you know what is restorative to you that you need to value and regularly practice so you don’t stress out? Here are some of mine.

•  I value alone time.

I am an introvert that loves being in ministry and ministry means people.  But in the midst of all the people, I need time alone to recharge.

Last fall in Singapore I was co-teaching all day and every  breakfast and lunch for the retreat was scheduled with people. So part of the agreement was no appointments for dinner. My co-presenter and I would find a nice quiet restaurant where we could be “alone.”

Sue and I love having the grand-kids visit. It is home-run derby, chess, bike races, multi-day Risk games, horseback rides and ballgames. In the midst of it all, my periodically disappearing into our master bedroom for 30 minutes of alone time is key.

When it is only Sue and me at home, Sue knows there are times I need to retreat to my study…or Starbucks, and be alone. Even when we are camping in the mountains and there is no one around for miles and miles, I will often take my chair and find a place “by myself.”

• I value freedom.

There are a tangled web of reasons for this, but I can’t stand to be controlled, micro-managed, or boxed in. There are a lot of ways that help me feel free, and one is I love vast open spaces. I need a view…to be out and about…and it helps to be alone. Isolated. The vast emptiness of the American West is incredibly restorative. Being with five thousand people cooped up on on a cruise ship sounds dreadfully draining. By the way, my favorite cowboy song is “Don’t Fence Me In.”

• I value learning.

I love it. I always have a new book on my Kindle. Learning and journaling  new ideas and insights is life giving. To go through a day without discovering a new treasure feels depleting.

I have a lot more values, and yours may be very different, but here is the BIG QUESTION: Is it okay to value what is important to me? To focus on my own needs so that I can be healthy – healthy to serve and love others without feeling guilty?

My answer is absolutely yes. Philippians 2:4 has been a huge help to me. “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others“. I read this wrong for years…I read it, “Don’t look to your own interests, that is selfish. Always focus on other people’s needs. Give and give and give until you have no more to give.” This took me way beyond stress to a full year of sick leave.

But what God is telling us here is really just the opposite – He says don’t look ONLY to you own interests…in other words, looking after yourself, taking good care of yourself, valuing what is restorative so that you stay healthy is okay. It is permissible. It is just not the ONLY thing we do, we ALSO look to the interests of others. And sensitivity to the Spirit of God in us will help us know when to do which.

So here is a QUESTION for you. Perhaps this could be a little exercise. Do you know your restorative values? Why don’t you write them down and list your top ones. Then ask yourself these questions:

• How do I honor the way God has made me and live out these values?

• How am I subtly ignoring these values and allowing stress to grow in me? What do I need to change? There are a lot of reasons we may choose to subtly ignore our values…and they are usually because we really value something else more. Being able to identify my competing values has really helped.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I hide and fail to self-disclose what is true about me I have migrated from the breeding grounds of stress to a far more dangerous place. It’s a place of isolation, lies, and fear. It is a place where I descend into the exhaustion that pretending inevitably produces. I am unknown in the midst of friendly people.

I thought hiding would keep me safe. It didn’t. It lead me to unceasing anxiety, burnout and depression.

Why? Here are four truths I personally discovered.

1. What I hide always remains unresolved. My hiding never solved anything. In my hiding I intentionally distanced myself from those who could bring healing truth to me.
2. What I hide grows bigger. What I bury I bury alive. And in that buried darkness it grows. Failing to tell God and others the truth about me is sin and sin is not passive. It grows. It leads to more sin. This is why hidden addictions can’t be controlled.
3. What I hide becomes more controlling. It has had a longer lifespan. It is more defining of me. Now it requires more vigilance and energy to keep it hidden…and that need controls me. All the time.
4. What I hide increases my shame. What I hide may be hidden from you, but I see it. I know it is there. And it is unresolved, increasingly defining me, and requiring more of my attention. Finally, I feel like I have become what I am hiding.

So what do I do to break the downward spiral of hiding? Two very important things.

1. Come into the open with God. I Him the truth about me. He longs for me to trust Him enough to do this. And as we do this, we make a life-changing discovery, He still loves us – just as we are, not as we should be (Brennan Manning).
2. Come into the open with a friend...but a very special kind of friend. Come into the open with someone who when I tell them the worst there is to know about me, they will love me more, not less. A friend who will come closer and hold us tighter – and in that tight grip will walk with us into the light of God’s healing truth.

As followers of Jesus, lets walk in the light, not because we should, but because we now can.

Are there ACTIONS you need to take? With God and with a trusted friend? You will be surprised at the freedom you discover in the light. It is a freedom Jesus died for you to experience.